


Good Luck With That

by tanglelore



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Bulges and Nooks, Drone Season 2014, First Time, Hand Jobs, Horny Teenagers, Internal Monologue, M/M, POV First Person, Xeno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 17:33:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1907742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tanglelore/pseuds/tanglelore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave discovers the wild world of making out with trolls. Contains a lot of nervous babbling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Good Luck With That

**Author's Note:**

  * For [squidmemesinc](https://archiveofourown.org/users/squidmemesinc/gifts).



> Written for the prompt: "So I think it would be really funny to have like an awkward and kind of terrible first attempt at sex. Like maybe they're making out and it's fine but then someone has to ask "Um, so, do you want to do it, or...?" Like maybe neither of them has condoms and they have to go get them or they can't figure out who wants to suck whose dick or whatever. Any level of sex is fine by the way. They could even give up half-way through because it's just not working at all and watch a movie instead or something."

One evening in early summer:

Ok, playing video games with weirdly attractive but mostly an asshole alien, cool. Be cool Strider. Not that this is a problem for you because you are always fly the coolest guy fuck, he’s looking at me. I'm thinking I might like to tap that but why does this guy wear a cape, like I can’t get him to take it off and it’s really kind of fucking me up here. Maybe if I tell him I'm too hot just looking at him, which is in fact objective truth, because he's got those eyes man, which are simultaneously creepy as fuck and compelling as a hot summer day where you don't have anything to do so you sit around and drink soda until your mouth gets that weird fuzzy feeling but you're too hot to go and brush your teeth and I think that got away from me, anyway, they're cool. So nonhuman, very alien. He's also shitty at smash bros, but then not everyone can master every stage with every character like I did. He keeps picking metaknight for what are probably obvious reasons but he sucks so hard it's like watching an elephant trying to imbibe bubble tea from a toilet. He's still looking at me. Maybe I should offer him, like a drink or something.

"So, uh, you want something to sip on while I kick your ass a million more times?"

That was fucking awkward good job you.

"Actually, I was kinda hopin' we could do somethin' else sometime here. Not that this is terrible or anythin', but I didn't come over to just play games?"

Did he just waggle his eyebrows at me? No way, pure imagination on my part there is no possible way.

"Okay, let's go check out the rest of the joint, then. I can show you a whole new world, shining shimmering full of puppets and swords and sweet rhymes--"

Did his earfin things just perk up shit. Was it the puppets or the swords? Or maybe he secretly really loves aladdin you never can tell with these kinds of guys, they always have hidden depths and maybe one of his is magic carpet rides.

"Yeah? Okay let's go then. Maybe leave your cape here, because you know if strife breaks out or whatever it'll get in the way. A cape is not a close combat garment."

"I guess. I'm more of a gun troll, myself."

YES. Cape DITCHED. Next the shirt. Holy christ those are some nice shoulders.

"Cool."

All right taking him into my room, which is cool and I am cool with this oh wow, okay he's checking out the dead things I hope he doesn't mind that shit nope, he's nodding okay. We're fine. It's okay little buddies you've been here longer than this fishguy with horns are there even fish with horns who knows anyway you aren't going anywhere. Huh. He sat on the bed okay that's fine I can handle this maybe I'll put some smooth moves on him. I'll just sit down and lay one on him.

"What do you think?"

REALLY? That was what you had, your super-charming heck yes gonna get laid tonight line was, "what do you think?" Bro would be disappoint.

"It's nice. Your sheets are k-kinda cute."

What's that supposed to mean? Is now the time to try for the kiss? Do I go in for the kill and make him my sweet butt buddy, BFFsies until the end of time or until we inevitably realize that this will never work and separate as frenemies doomed to snark at each other over frappucinos at the mall? Oh hey, he's kind of leaning towards me. I should pay attention

SHIT.

Wow his breath is epically bad okay let's um let's let's just go with it. He probably eats fish for every meal plus snacks and has teeth like a fucking shark I am honestly feeling so intimidated by those teeth right now but it's still kind of hot just, like, sticking my tongue in a blender terrifying. Wow, baby's first troll kiss should I take a selfie? Do you think he'd mind if I took a selfie? We can both do ~~duck~~ fishface and put it up on our respective blogs tagged with each other and 'the day we started dating ♥'. Are we dating? Could this be the beginning of hey more kissing okay I'm over the breath thing because he kind of knows what he's doing. Mostly. Gonna need a napkin when we're done here.

"You okay, Strider?"

He cares? Maybe this -is- love.

"Chill as a bucket of ice water. All we need is a fistbump and you can turn into whatever animal you want. Maybe we'll start simple--"

That's totally a blush. He blushes fucking purple. It may be time to get some strict dokis on.

"No, you're really okay with this? Like, kissin' me and all?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"Fuckin' great."

Brief mental update: no lip or tongue damage yet he seems to have an idea of what not to do with his teeth that's pretty much best possible outcome but his hands are cold as fuck. Man, why do I get involved with these frosty-ass guys with no ability to show emotions I mean really, you're there just wanting some quick and dirty makeouts and this guy is just 'brr, my hands are 10 below i'm mister snow miser i'm mister cold' and suddenly huh how did he end up on top of me this is pretty exciting although I hope he's not gunning for anything super-kinky because this is my first time and I want to be treated like I'm a precious princess and also I am deeply uncomfortable with the idea of those teeth near my equipment. Whoa hey hello there fella is that a banana in your pocket oh fuck it moves his pants are moving like that guy's chest in alien and I feel very uncertain about this hey no don't take my glasses fuck.

"You're a mutant?"

"Yep, look at me shooting lasers from my eyes pew pew you're blasted into next Friday. Hrrr."

"No, don't look away. It's pretty cool. I mean, I got friends who are mutants, so it ain't like I'm judgin'."

"Great, just one thing: the word mutant is very gene-ist, so we prefer that you call us 'abominations in the eyes of an uncaring god' instead."

Stop talking, self. Seriously, stop talking.

"Really? That seems kinda long and involved for somethin' so simple. Call a triangular diggin' tool a s-spade, right?"

Aww he stuttered that was super adorable. Come on stop talking and kiss me more so I can stop thinking about how weird whatever is in your pants might be. Note to self: spades are somehow embarrassing?

"Yep."

Additional note to self: apparently having a wrist pinned down gives electric jolt to the junk that may warrant further investigation. Skin on makeout buddy's waist also not human in the sense that none of him is human but his skin is especially not human and chilly this is kind of reminding me of petting rays at the aquarium not sure if liking but hey are those...gills? Oops.

"Don't stick your fingers in my gills, god! That feels really fuckin' weird."

"Sorry, I didn't know you had those. Not too many humans with that kind of extra set of organs, after all. Can't blame me for thinking, 'Oh, Mr. Ampora, what a hot torso you probably have under that mind-bendingly dorky shirt--"

"HEY!"

"'--I cannot wait to get my hands on it and feel you up like--"

"What do you mean, dorky? It's my sign, it's historical! It's way beyond your alien comprehension, I guess. Wait. Feel me up?"

Fins that waggle are also hot. Fuck everything okay, let's escalate this event before my running at the mouth ruins it all for everyone. Dick bump in three, two, one-- BUNP.

That worked pretty well, kind of like a fistbump but with more wiggling and genitalia involved. Now let's see if I can get him to grind on me like he's a punkass on a skateboard and I'm a railing with a huge dropoff at the end that no one has ever managed to grind on before because they take one look and are scared off by the nnnnfuck yes. That worked just fine pants kraken notwithstanding.

...I could learn to like pants kraken. I could learn to _love_ pants kraken. But could pants kraken learn to love me? Will this be a romance for the ages or will it be cut off in oh wow how did he learn to move like that is this a thing you learn when you swim everywhere scratch that guy ain't swimming with that cape but there is no better word than undulate for what he's doing on my junk right now I am okay with this I wonder if we can take this to shirts and pants on the floor before bro gets home. Being a randy teenager smothering himself in hormones and jizz is apparently not limited to people of my species.  
WHOA TEETH.

"Maybe not the neck, okay? I'm a little tender around the important bloodflow areas and that's maybe a little too much pointy for one jugular. Unless you're a vampire, which--"

"What's a 'vampire'?"

"Never you mind precious thing, let's just go back one step and I'll try to take your shirt off."

"Is that like a rainbooo-okay. I, that's okay. No, really that's--"

And this Strider is so smooth he cannot attempt such a rudimentary piece of intimacy without immediately getting everything caught on his newly-minted troll sweetheart's horns and this is suddenly a world of really, really not sexy. I wonder if he'd notice if I snapped a quick pic though. For posterity and snapchat. Maybe I can make this hot like in a blindfoldy sensory deprivation way? Maybe if I flipped him over really quick noop noop tactical error bad choice you have angered the pants kraken.

"Fuckin' hell, Strider! What're you tryin' to do to me? Suffocate me in my own shirt? Crush my bulge? Get offa me!"

Troll game too strong, am now on floor having narrowly escaped death by being brained on cement block all dignity lost send help stat. Ribs probably not crushed but may be bruised. 

"Aw, sorry. I didn't mean to toss you like that. Do you want, um, do you want to try that again? Maybe I can take my own shirt off this time?"

"Yeah, okay you do that. I'll just be here for a minute. I'm fine, don't even worry."

Hey check that out there's a shirtless alien in my room and it's not like E.T. alien shirtlessness because that's puppety and gross and wrinkly more like XXX HOT TEENAGE ALIENS with gray skin and horns and pretentious little tuft of purple hair is that shit natural are the carpets gonna match the drapes shit does he even have a carpet probably not body hair doesn't seem to be much of a thing so far. No nipples, huh. I guess that makes sense. Or belly button, not an innie or an outie, but I guess they're hatched not born so that's got context. Also he is very strong and I am every inch a pretty princess being carried back to my not particularly elaborate bower, by which I mean mattress and boxspring on the floor. Hell yes. I guess it's time to de-shirt myself and show off my exquisite physique toned by years of  
of  
strife oh um yeah, that's tongue. I wonder if he likes having his fins touched.

A: Yes. Yes he does. 

"Whoa, dude, cool it on the orifice prodding. That isn't actually an opening there. I mean it was once, but -- now that I think about it why do I even have that, since I fell off a meteor--mmph!"

Silenced by a kiss this is so romance novel. I am bleeding shoujo love sparkles and flowers oh Eridan-sempai, you fuckin' noticed me. Eep! Hands on pants! Mayday mayday things are progressing to danger zones boners are in close proximity to hands not attached to me. 

"If you're not into it, just tell me, okay. I'll lay off. God."

Did I seriously just slap his hands? Did I actually do that incredibly dumb thing? Way to lose your mind, Dave. Good job Dave. Everyone's dead Dave. Your boner is dead.

"No, I'm good. Everything about this is great and I am into everything."

"Okay, then. Here, touch m-my..."

Pants kraken is totally happy to see me, that's cool. Also, his pants are damp. No, I would go so far as to say soggy. 

...cold, soggy pants. Soggy, cold pants. What do I do here? If this were another human dude, I would utilize my abject smoothness and undo the button and unzip the zipper with that zoooop sound and slide my hand in and grab his junk and do something hot like smear some precum around the head or something, but this is not your mother's makeout buddy, unless your mom is like, Rose Lalonde or something, with whom I probably should have consulted before setting sail on the Good Ship Xenophilia. I guess the principle is the same. Here goes nothing.

Yep. That sure is a tentacle. Hot damn, that is a tentacle. Feels kind of nice, though, in a okay, I guess it's time for Eridan to lose all his clothes, bye pants! Someone is extremely cool-and-bothered here. Cool and bothered and all over my bed I can deal with this. I can deal with this a lot. Even with the purple ooze, I can deal with this goddamn gonna have to bleach those sheets. I am in bed with a really bossy alien who's desperate to get my hands down his oh my god what. He's there's a wow I could probably stick my dick in that and it would feel better than apple juice. Not that I stick my dick in apple juice, but when it's 110 degrees out and you take that first sip of cool, refreshing nectar and yes that could definitely take a dick. Holy fuck. It's like Niagara Falls down there, if Niagara flowed grape kool-aid. I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, since those noises sound really happy. Really, REALLY happy. 

There is something pretty great about watching an alien put his hands on his own junk while you have your hands wrist-deep (slight exaggeration) in his ...uh, other junk, and this is is he yep he is.

Niagara was an understatement, this is more like Victoria Falls and it's gonna take at least three washes to get this out. I'm gonna need a plastic sheet if this is going to happen again. Check it, towel on the floor comes in very useful. Might need two.

"Fuck, Dave. That was nothin' short of amazin'. I never thought I'd be into humans, but you're pretty great. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with your bulge, though. I hope that's okay."

"No problema, mi amor. We can take it slow. Tomorrow is another day. Etc., etc., etc."

Fuck. Stuck up boner creek with no paddle and with a flashflooded bed and Bro due home at any moment. Guess I'll just put my shirt back on and change my pants because I Got Caught in the Splash Zone. 

"Great, great. So you wanna go play some more Smash Brothers? I'm feelin' a little more relaxed, so, yeah. Rematch? Metaknight on Kirby?"

**Author's Note:**

> And then later Bro comes home and looks at Dave's hands and is like, "I see you got in an Ampora's pants while I was out. Nice." And Dave just: D8.


End file.
